I still remember when the movie Private Parts hit the theatre in March of 1997, when I was still
only 15. I was born and raised in Toronto,
so I had never even heard of Howard Stern. But I knew the movie would be awesome - I could tell from the television previews - so I rushed off to watch it in
the theatre, and, not surprisingly, I was right; in fact, it was even better
than I had expected. It was a box-office hit. Sheer genius, that’s what it was.
I loved it so much I went back with a friend of mine, and I watched it a second
time. I had never watched a movie twice in the theatre before, but I loved it
so much that I felt compelled to. I was really blown away. It was the most
awesome thing I had ever seen. It is still in my top five favourite movies of
all time.
When I found out, the following summer, that Howard Stern
was about to hit the airwaves on Q107 in Toronto,
I was beyond ecstatic. I couldn’t wait. I knew he would come in like a
hurricane and completely monopolize Toronto-morning radio, and, again, not to my surprise, I was right. Within the first
few days of him hitting the air in September of 1997, one third of all
cars on the roads of morning traffic were tuned into the Howard Stern Show - the
greatest radio show in the history of this planet; that’s for sure.
Princess Diana had just recently died at the
time, and he was doing a lot of hilarious song parodies about the incident that
you can find on YouTube now, and he was getting a lot of calls from angry
women who adored the Princess - idiots who can’t take a joke - but his ratings
soared due to all the people who do not know well enough to change the station
when they do not like what they are hearing and instead stay tuned even longer. Masochists.
I read the book of Private
Parts, which is a completely different thing than the movie, in the summer
of ’98. It was a really thick book, but I was so drawn into it and its
brilliant hilarity and outrageousness that I finished it in no time. I have
never read a book that quickly in my life. It was the fastest selling book
in Simon and Schuster’s history and rightly so. I believe it was the previous summer that somebody got
me the Private Parts Soundtrack for my birthday. I
listened to that thing incessantly for years to come. It was one of my prized
possessions, and I have a very large CD
collection. That album both rocks and makes you laugh at the same time. It’s
pure gold, just like everything else Stern has ever done, including his hit
show on the E Network that he had on for years and which aired five days a
week. Hey, why do you think he’s called the King of all Media? Because he
excels at every medium he puts his mind to: radio, television, literature, film
and soundtracks. In short: the man is a GOD!
A lot of years have gone by since I read Private Parts, but my most favoured
brand of comedy has not changed, and my first published book, Incorrigibility, attests to that. I have now
finally read Howard Stern’s second book, published in 1995, entitled Miss America. It became clear to me, before even
finishing the first chapter, why it had quickly become the fastest selling book in publishing history. Yes, indeed, you
read right. (Now it’s Harry Potter, however,
that holds that record.) It isn’t just how funny the man is that enthralls a
person into what he has to say, no. It is, more than anything, his unabashed
authenticity - the very thing that makes phonies, more than anyone, hate him so much
and call him an ‘asshole.’ I’m not saying I don’t understand why so many people
call him that; hell, he admits to being one three or four times in the book.
The man is a professional asshole; make no mistake about it. But I’ll take an asshole, who brashly speaks his mind and who has made millions and millions of people enjoy their countless rides to work in
the morning while being stuck in the misery of traffic, over an uptight asshole who is
disingenuous to the very core of his or her being.
Howard gets a lot of flak from puritans from both the
religious and feminist spheres, claiming that he is sexist and objectifies
women. The first claim is a ridiculous lie on its face because he absolutely,
thoroughly believes in the equality of the sexes - that is, equal pay for equal
work - and in no way ever exalted his
sex over woman’s, and everyone knows that. The problem is that the word
“sexist” is so vulgarly and haphazardly thrown around these days, which has, in turn, caused it
to lose its true, original meaning. And to call Howard Stern of all people that - a man who believes in the sexual freedom and the liberation of women, and who always
fights for their right to choose - is pure slander; that’s all it is, and it
sickens me to my very core. It should
sicken you, too, as a matter of fact, both on an intellectual and moral level.
The second claim, of course, has to do with the different women
who are constantly coming on his show to strip down to nothing (or almost nothing) and talk about
their sex lives, a major aspect of the show since the early ’80s. To this, I
would first just like to say that I have never, for the life of me, been able
to see how a woman can suddenly transform into a sex object, or be deemed as being treated like one, simply by showing off her beauty and having others
admire it. She is still a person while that happens, after all, not a mere object but a sentient one, just like we all are. Therefore she thoroughly remains a thinking, feeling subject as well (just like sex is a very interesting subject) and so the claim is ridiculous and
nonsensical and is usually thrown around by dirty-minded losers who like
throwing filth and guilt on sexuality, often because of their own sexual
frustrations and hatred towards life (sex, of course, being a biological
prerequisite of life and the ultimate expression of life), not to mention insecure women who hate the way they look and are insecure about aging and no longer being (or never in their lives having been) nearly as attractive as the beautiful women who go on the Howard Stern
Show to be ogled. It is not so much a contempt for Howard as for the male
sexual prowess itself and towards what men tend to find most sexually appealing that drives this backlash of defamation.
Second of all, even if women were “objectified” by Stern, not to mention strip clubs and
pornographic magazines, for that matter, I still do not see anything wrong with
this so-called objectification, namely because ALL OF US are objectified in
our day-to-day lives! It’s the norm of existing at all! A cashier is
objectified as someone who works a cash register. Does that mean we no longer
view that person as a human being but merely as an object because that is all
we happen to know of him or her at that moment? Of course not! And I don’t see any shame in being a cashier, nor do I see
any shame in being paid to pose naked for a centerfold. What’s the use of having
a beautiful body if you’re not going to harness it in some way? It’s a gift,
just like an intelligent mind is. There is no shame in that - NONE! The shame would be in taking such gifts for granted and letting them go to waste.
Finally, I would like to pose this question: How can
something that is already “objectified” be
objectified as if it were not already? That is, long before there were
ever cook books, food was objectified as something that you ate and was
desired as something that fills the appetite and sates the taste buds. And long
before there was Howard Stern, Hugh Hefner and pornography of any kind, women
were, indeed, something that were lusted
after, and so were men!
Sexual attraction and the human interest in sexuality is not a
twentieth-century phenomenon! It is a biological fact among animals, which we are, like it or not, and no
amount of petty idealizing is ever going
to change that. Lust is GOOD! Sex is AWESOME!! It’s the reason I’m here writing
this right now, and why you are alive and breathing and reading it!
If our parents had never lusted after each other, we would not be here right now.
End of story. And stop using obnoxious morality to infect others with your
degenerate hang-ups and to then get a feeling of moral superiority over them [instead of dealing with your own personal insecurities about sex]; it’s pathetic! And for the record, nobody ever has a gun to the heads of the women who choose to strip down on Howard's show and talk about their sex lives. They willingly and freely come on for just that reason! It's damn good publicity being on the Howard Stern Show.
But to continue: As with his first book, Miss America lets you right into his
life from the get-go, giving you the most intimate of details, without any
preliminaries. It is raw and it is real, and that’s why, like all his work, it has
gained such mass appeal from people. The first chapter is all about Howard’s
discovery of cyber sex shortly after the founding of the internet and about his
preoccupation with masturbation even at the age of forty-one, which is how old
he was when he wrote this masterful book. He takes you right back to his antics
in childhood, and his sexual frustrations and obsessions with getting girls,
just like he does in Private Parts. Chapter
Two is one of the most captivating of the entire book and is many people’s
favourite section. It’s about the secret interview that Howard has with Michael
Jackson and his agent, which Howard held himself from revealing on the air in
order to keep it a surprise for the book. It’s hilarious! I won’t say anymore
about it, however. This review isn’t meant to be a spoiler of any kind.
In Chapter Three, he discusses his own personal struggles
since college with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and then severe, excruciating
back pain that started as shoulder and neck pain near the end of his days at
WNBC. After years of being held hostage by them, he found a way of overcoming
their stranglehold over his life and reveals the secret as to how he did that
in this remarkable chapter. It’s an incredible story, and millions of people
out there could benefit from this section, whether they have OCD, back pain or
any other kind of ailment that they have to suffer with on a daily basis. It’s
a matter of dealing with your emotional and psychological issues head on,
instead of suppressing them out of fear of looking weak. With suppression comes
the toll taken on the mind and body. What this chapter is, is one of
self-overcoming and strength and offers hope to so many. Howard did not give
up, you see, like so many do with their physical and/or mental anguish. He did
not want to go to a physician who would merely give him prescription drugs that
would create a whole new whack of problems due to side-effects. He searched and
searched until he finally met the doctor who would change his life for the
better - Dr. Sarno.
Through meditation, Howard realized that his OCD was a
manifestation of his unwillingness to turn an honest eye towards all of his
insecurities, anxieties and feelings of failure that if he did not make it in
the radio industry, he would be a mere shell of a man who could not support a
family. The OCD was there to distract him from this turmoil of his, as a
suppressive mask. He then realized that his egregious back pain was there to
distract him from what was causing his OCD. The whole thing is truly a
remarkable story that begins with his childhood and then goes on through college.
His very messed-up LSD stories are incredible,
but also very intense and frightening - great, great stuff!
Chapter Four is The Stern Ponderosa. Part of it is
about his home life with his wife and kids, and how boring of a person he
usually is when he is at home. It is in this chapter that he gives his “Fantasy
Fuck List” of women he would have liked to have slept with if his wife, Alison (whom
he later divorced in ’99), died. Each woman is divided into OCCUPATION,
NEGATIVE TRAITS, AVAILABILITY, CHANCE OF SCORING AND DESCRIPTION - fun, fun
stuff! Chapter Five is about what he calls his “second family.” They are, of
course, his coworkers and employees. He gives great detail about his
relationships with them and the hilarious idiosyncrasies of their
personalities and characteristics. For me, by far the funniest personality of
them all is Fred Norris. I always liked Fred. As for Robin, it turns out she’s
completely insane and for years was impossible to work with both on a
professional and social level, which did not surprise me at all. I was never a
fan of Robin’s to tell you the truth. Chapter Six is a short chapter about pretentious
celebrities, both in the Hollywood
and political sphere, whom he cannot stand. Nobody can rant like Howard Stern; he’s a master at that forte of his.
Chapter Seven is without a doubt my favourite chapter of the
book: LONG LIVE THE BEAST! This
one really grabbed me from the very beginning because I could relate heavily
to what he was saying:
“Yes, somewhere, deep in my bosom, deep in my soul, deep in
my heart, lives…‘THE BEAST.’ For the most part, THE BEAST never emerges and
never rears its ugly head. I keep THE BEAST buried, deep inside. On most days
you’d say I was a model citizen: I am kind to my parents, faithful to my wife,
and loving to my children. But make no mistake, I have a dark side, and that
dark side is evil and mean. I am capable of true terror, but it is THE BEAST
who drives me to do those cruel and unthinkable acts.”
Howard gives the details as to what created this beast
inside him in his life, in case you were wondering. It’s fascinating stuff!
Now, WNBC had fired Howard Stern, and the rest of the
chapter is how Howard harnessed the beast to destroy WNBC in the morning ratings
from his new-found home at 92.3 K-Rock. The beast had called out to him from
within for the first time on March 25,
1986 to do just that, for when the beast sets Howard’s mind on
doing something, he does not rest until it is accomplished. The beast does not let him rest, you see. After the ratings
report that showed K-Rock’s landslide of a victory at number one, Howard and
the gang held a funeral on the streets of New York City
for the ratings-death of WNBC within shouting distance of NBC’s godforsaken
office building. They had won over their entire audience! Within half an hour, four
thousand loyal Stern-show fans showed up to salute the man who put his former
bosses in their place and rub their noses in the biggest mistake those fat cats had ever
made by firing him. Robin eloquently read the eulogy and then everyone gave WNBC the finger
in unison, the beast from the open sunroof of the hearse they had rented.
That’s what you get for firing the greatest thing to ever happen to radio, YOU
MORONS!!
Next was the Philadelphia market where he destroyed DeBella
and held a funeral for him in his hometown after defeating him in the ratings
as well, not to mention DeBella’s wife, who DeBella was giving a severely hard
time to in their divorce. This is where the great Captain Janks comes into
play. He was personally offended by DeBella for the most hilarious of reasons and ended up dating DeBella's ex-wife, thanks to the Dial-a-Date that Howard had set
up on the show for her to come on. God, revenge is so sweet, and it was being
dished out on all sides! Midway through the chapter, which is about midway
through the book, there is a short but brilliant, and very professionally done,
Fartman comic strip, followed by different titles and movie posters that Howard
went through for his movie, which was still in the making while the book was
being written. We’re talking sheer juvenile brilliance, baby; I’m telling you!
In Chapter Eight, Howard then goes on to give the details,
both on the air and behind the scenes, of how he went on to take over radio
across the United States through syndication, something unprecedented and
unheard of before him. It’s a very short and to-the-point kind of chapter. The
next two chapters will easily be a lot of people’s favourites, as they are simply
HILARIOUS! Chapter Nine is all about Howard’s infamous run for governor of New
York State. Chapter
Ten is pure gold, simply because it revolves around the great Stuttering John,
who is, of course, one of the legendary former characters of the Howard Stern
show and is also one of the highlights of Private
Parts, the book.
Chapter Eleven is great, especially for people, like myself,
who are huge fans of prank calls. Howard Stern phony phonecallers are a
phenomenon that were unleashed across America
beginning with Captain Janks in 1989. Howard highlights and writes out in
script-form the greatest prank calls ever done to live television shows in his
honour. It’s fabulous, especially since Howard himself loved doing crank calls
as a kid, as did I when I was 16 and 17, but that’s a different story altogether.
Chapter Twelve is all about celebrities whom he loves and whom he loves to hate
on. There are some classic interviews in this chapter; it’s awesome. And the
rant against that walking, talking abomination of American right-wing punditry
and rhetoric, Rush Limbaugh, is simply superb and warmed my heart to read!
Chapter Thirteen is another heroic chapter, this time about
Howard’s battle with the U.S. Government, specifically, the abhorrent,
repressive foulness known as the FCC. He shows how he became a kingmaker, that
is, was able to win seats for governors so they could then, in turn, assist him
against the oppressive, archaic tactics of censorship and extortion, executed,
mafia-style, by the government of a supposedly free country. There’s a great
story in there about how he got a pitstop named after him, too, which is just
more brilliantly quirky stuff from a truly brilliant, unbelievably exciting
life! – A life to be envied, to be sure.
Now, Howard Stern, a true American icon and hero, is, of
course, dominating satellite radio and has been doing so ever since he got on
Sirius Radio back in late 2005 when he said “goodbye” to his 20 million fans
on terrestrial radio. Millions of them, of course, went on to purchase a Sirius
radio and subscribe to it so they could hear Howard completely and utterly
raw and unadulterated, WITHOUT ANY GOVERNMENT INTERFERENCE WHATSOEVER, and,
frankly, reading this marvelous book has truly brought out a need inside me to join
as well. I really do miss him so very much and hearing snippets of his show
here and there on YouTube just isn’t cutting it for me anymore.
I give both this book a genuine five-star rating - just like
I give that rating to Private Parts the
book, Private Parts the movie and Private Parts the soundtrack - and, of
course, the Howard Stern Radio Show itself.
Yes, indeed! Howard Stern: Truly the King of all Media and, as he rightly said of himself on
the airway back in ’83 while Eddie Murphy was on the show, truly God’s gift to comedy! PURITANS BE DAMNED!! And, not to get too
philosophical, from a Nietzschean perspective, Howard Stern is one of the closest
things I’ve ever seen to an Overman in my life. IF THIS MAN IS NOT A GENIUS,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THEN THE WORD ‘GENIUS’ HAS NO MEANING!! Howard, I LOVE YOU!
I’ve ALWAYS loved you! I will always continue to love you! Thank you SO MUCH
for all the laughs, the sheer ingenious comedy, for fighting the good fight
against the insidious, insufferable curse of puritanism, for exposing ostentation
wherever you have come across it, and for being the greatest interviewer I have
ever heard in my life! You’re the only one who really knows the right questions
to ask and how to get the answers that everyone wants to hear, killing us with
side-splitting laughter in the process. Your wit is undeniable to anyone with a
sense of humour.
Thank you, Howard; thank you for being you.
Yours Truly,
Rayme Michaels
P.S. For the record, I do not agree with Stern at all when it comes to foreign policy. When it comes to that, I find his views to be abhorrent, ignorant, hateful and, at times, overtly racist.
