Saturday, April 4, 2009

Jesus Being a Pest, Yahweh Being a Prick

In Matthew 26:36-45, Jesus requests three times from his daddy, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Some people just crack under pressure, I guess . . . even the son of God himself. But I mean, come on! Three times?! Talk about being a pest! I thought he was all-knowing, so why would he have to make that feeble request even once? Didn’t he know that it “must be”? Didn’t he know that he absolutely had to die for the so-called sins of mankind and that there was no way out? Didn’t he realize, especially by that stage of the game, that even his omnipotent father couldn’t get him out of that one? I wonder how the rest of that conversation would have gone . . . the third time round . . .

JESUS: Please, Dad?! Pretty please with sugar on top?!

YAHWEH: No, Jesus! For the third time! Now stop asking me!

JESUS: Please?! I love you!

YAHWEH: You love everybody.

JESUS: But why do I have to go through all this shit? I don’t understand.

YAHWEH: Because of those two naked idiots in the Garden of Eden. They ate some fruit that gave them knowledge . . .

JESUS: I already know that stupid story. Come on! That whole thing about Adam and Eve is complete bullshit! They didn’t exist. Humans evolved from Australopithecus afarensis. There is no original sin, whatever the fuck that is.

YAHWEH: Yes, Son, but the Homo sapiens don’t know that yet. You and I just know that because we’re omniscient and created everything in the first place, Einstein.

JESUS: I know that!

YAHWEH: I know that you know that.

JESUS: Right. ’Cause you know all, and you and I are one. I am you; therefore I know all as well. Since we both have the same mind, I know all that you know, which is everything, ’cause we’re the one true God!

YAHWEH: Right. So why are you talking to yourself?

JESUS: I don’t know.

YAHWEH: Look, can we get this show on the road, please? I’ve got a lot of things to attend to. You can’t escape your destiny, Son. The Scriptures must be fulfilled. Now grow some balls and do this thing.

JESUS: Are you telling me that I have to be mocked, slandered, tortured and killed in the most heinous of ways as a “sacrifice” for the innocent disobedience of two nonexistent individuals, who ate a nonexistent fruit, from a nonexistent tree, which transferred nonexistent sin through the loins of all mankind?

YAHWEH: Oh, I’ll throw them all into hell forever if you don’t do it.

JESUS: But hell didn’t even exist until I started talking about it!

YAHWEH: Well, you’re not talkin’ your way out of this one, Son.

JESUS: But why do you want this? It’s all a sham!

YAHWEH: It’s the only way I can keep from taking my fury out upon them for all time . . . by watching you suffer and die.

JESUS: Your fury upon them for what? They’ve done nothing wrong, and you're the one who created them in the first place!

YAHWEH: I created them because I couldn’t get the little buggers out of my head, and they tormented me because they’re so fucking smug.

JESUS: What in the hell are you talking about, old man?! I’m about to get the shit beaten out of me and my ass crucified to two giant slabs of wood, and you’re babbling like a goddamn crazy person!

YAHWEH: I’m sorry, my son...
But until I’ve seen you whipped and beat, I cannot handle man,
Until I’ve seen you suffer, I cannot show the love I am.
Until I see your blood flow, and hear you scream in pain,
Every good deed that humans do will always be in vain.
Until I see them mock and tear you, and rend your skull with thorns,
My only joy will ever be to make them wish they were never born.
I put you there to suffer in agony, moaning with every breath,
My sadism saves mankind with your gory, gratuitous death.
Trust me, my son, don’t be afraid, for you know that we are one,
I cannot be sated until I hear you say that “it is done.”
Indeed you’ll die and descend to Hell where you’ll see dreadful things,
But then you’ll rise and sit by me and together we’ll rule as kings!
But until I’ve seen you ripped and pierced, I cannot tolerate man,
Until I’ve seen you in horror, I cannot be the being of love - I am.

JESUS: (...)

YAHWEH: Well? Any other questions?

JESUS: Jesus fucking Christ, you are really sick! Just what the hell was that?

YAHWEH: What, you didn’t like my poem?

JESUS: No, I didn’t like your freakin’ poem! Just how nuts are you? What is this?! What's going on?!

YAHWEH: You asked and you received, baby. Just like you preached.

JESUS: What is all this, one big joke to you or something? What’s going on here? And why am I talking to you if I am you? And if I know all that you know, why do I feel the need to keep asking you things? And why can’t I understand one goddamn thing you’ve been saying all this time? Why can’t I wrap my head around this whole ridiculous, morbid, horrible plot of yours? You’re not my father! I’m not the son of God! You’re not even God, are you?! You’re just a crazy voice inside my crazy head! You’re not real . . . are you?! (Listens) ARE YOU?! (Listens) Hello?! (Listens) Hey! Where the fuck did you go?! Hello?! (Listens) COME BACK! (Listens) HELLO?!


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