Comedic Two-Pager - Charlie's Boner

Alright, so here's another two-pager I aced the following month. We had to do a comedic one this time...so I did this. In class, we'd present the assignments by acting them out around the long, rectangular, wooden table we always sat around. It was fun. I played the husband for this, a couple of other guys played the smaller parts, and a hilarious chick in the class played the wife, Lisa. She was awesome! She played it just as I wanted and as I knew she would be able to execute it. It had'm all in stitches. One guy asked if he could have the copyrights to it. Heh. Damn, that class was fun! First semester, anyway.

CHARLIE'S BONER

FADE IN:

EXT. MINI MART PARKING LOT NIGHT

A car is speedily driven to the front of the convenience store. CHARLIE (34) jumps out of the front seat and rushes inside. He is wearing dress pants, dress shoes, and a disheveled, white dress shirt.

INT. MINI MART NIGHT

He opens the door and rushes to the clerk (40) at the counter.

CHARLIE

Please, call 911! I’m outa gas! She’s coming!

CLERK

What’s wrong, Mack? Who’s comin’?

Two car headlights suddenly appear through the window. Charlie gulps with fear. LISA (28) gets out and slams the door behind her. She furiously enters the store with a look of sheer wrath upon her face.

LISA

Cheating on me with the babysitter, eh, Charlie? Well, now you pay the price!

She reaches behind her back and takes out a butcher knife.

LISA

Your prick is miiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

Charlie lets out a gasp and heads to the stockroom. She chases after him with her right arms stretched forward and the knife pointed upwards. He exits out the backdoor.

INT. SUPERMARKET NIGHT

The supermarket is immense and very busy. Charlie enters terrified, looks around, and dashes down the fruit section. He reaches the end of the isle and desperately grabs a GROCER by the collar.

CHARLIE

Please, my wife is comin’ for me! Help!

Lisa enters, stops, sees him, and then bolts after him with the knife pointed up in the air.

GROCER

Your wife?

CHARLIE

Yes!

GROCER

What does she want?

Lisa screams at the top of her lungs with a sadistic look in her eyes. She is headed right for Charlie’s crotch.

CHARLIE

My penis!

He dashes around the corner and gets some distance away from her. He stops and then she does the same. He frantically looks from left to right. He grabs a watermelon. There is a pause as he looks at her slyly.

LISA

To the wicked, Charlie...Bobitization...is inevitable.

She darts for him. He starts bowling watermelons as fast as he can towards her, then small cans of food. She acrobatically jumps off of each one towards him. He grabs a grapefruit and heads down another isle.

He stops about 50 feet in front of her, grabs three cereal boxes, and starts shooting them at her like giant ninja stars. She dodges each one. He heads for the exist. Just when he is about to leave, she catches up to him.

She lets out a scream, brings the knife down towards his lower region, he blocks it with the grapefruit, and the knife cuts it in half. With both halves, he squeezes citrus spray in each of her eyes. She screams, drops the knife, and covers her face. He escapes.

EXT. STREET NIGHT

Charlie runs to a building across the street without looking. A car swerves to avoid him and hits another car coming in the opposite direction. Lisa leaps over the cars effortlessly. She gets to the front door of the building and reads the sign: “MISOGYNISTS OF AMERICA.”

LISA

(looks up)
This isn’t over, Charlie! It shall be my trophyyyyyyyyyy!!